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By Lynne Larson
From the time I was about five years of age I felt shame and self-hatred. I thought I was not worth loving. I didn’t know why I felt this way and was sure God made a mistake in my being born. However, from the outside my life seemed okay. I was smart, had friends, was involved at school and had a good family.
I grew up in a small town in the U.S.A., the eldest of three girls. My father was a science teacher and my mother a nurse in the local hospital. Our family attended the Lutheran church every Sunday. Even though I did not understand the gospel, I learned about God at church and Sunday school.
As an adult, I now look back and see that I struggled with depression the entire time I was growing up. Because of how I felt about myself, I tried hard to be perfect at everything. Of course, that was not possible, but I kept trying because it made me feel better about myself.
My weight was one area where I really strived to be perfect. I remember being on my first diet when I was about eight years old. I lost five pounds and was so excited. My mother was often on a diet, so I learned to be very concerned about weight.
One way I dealt with the constant depression was to binge on food. By the time I was in sixth grade, I was binging, eating especially large amounts of bread and candy. I felt like I was out of control when I was binging, but it would help me to feel numb. I hated myself even more for doing this excessive eating, but I didn’t know how to stop.
During this time I was also obsessed with death and hell. I told my father I was afraid I was going to die and that God was going to send me to hell. He told me that I was a good girl and that God would not send me to hell. My father’s answer did not make me feel better. I continued to live with the fear of dying and going to hell.
When I started high school, I thought I was obese at 102 pounds so I thought I should lose seven pounds, but because of my binging, I gained more weight.
One day in my sophomore year I decided I hated myself so much that I was going to go home and kill myself. I counted out the pills, but I couldn’t take them. I was afraid that if I killed myself I would go to hell. I decided if I was going to continue to live I’d have to lose 20 pounds. From Monday through Thursday I ate only one piece of bread and two diet sodas and diet pills each day. From Friday through Sunday I would binge. I would lose 10 pounds during the week and gain five on the weekend.
I didn’t know how to tell my parents what was going on with me, so I felt very isolated. I started eating more food again and although I was still depressed, I did very well in school and was involved with music and drama.
My eating disorder was worse in college. In my freshman year I learned how to make myself throw up. I would binge and then run to the bathroom to get rid of the food I had just eaten. Sometimes I would do this four or five times a day. This routine was not only physically dangerous, but extremely exhausting. I continued this self-destructive cycle throughout my years in college.
While in college, I learned another means of escape from my self-hatred and depression. I discovered that drinking alcohol helped me forget how much I hated myself. When I was drunk I didn’t care how I looked or what others thought of me. I also forgot all sense of morality.
After my freshman year of college, I was selling books door-to-door to earn money for tuition (school fees). One day I was invited into a home where I heard a clear presentation of the gospel.
“What do you think will happen to you when you die?” the couple asked. I told them I hoped I would go to heaven.
They said, “If you died tonight and God asked you why He should let you into heaven, what would you tell Him?” I replied, “I’m basically a good person, so I hope I would get to heaven.”
One of them then asked me if I wanted to know for sure that I would get to heaven. I assured them I wanted to know what they had to say. They shared verses of Scripture with me: “All have sinned and come short of the glory of God” Rom. 3:23. (I knew that was true because I could never be good in myself, no matter how hard I tried.) Then Rom. 6:23: “The wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.” (Death meant going to hell, being separated from God for eternity.)
They continued to further explain the truth of the gospel from Rom. 10:9-10: “If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess that you are saved.”
Finally, I understood that each person needs to have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ to be saved and go to heaven. I gladly prayed and asked God to forgive my sins and asked Him to be my Savior. I told God that I believed Jesus died for my sins so I could spend eternity with Him in heaven. I was so happy I cried. I couldn’t wait to tell my roommate.
I wish I could say that my life got better after I became a Christian, but it actually got worse. When I returned to college in the fall, I did not get involved in a church or Bible study, so I was not learning the Word of God nor was I accountable to anyone. My eating disorder, depression and alcoholism got worse during the rest of my college years.
In my senior year a friend encouraged me to check into a hospital to get help for my eating disorder. After 13 weeks in the hospital and eight months in their “after care” program, I was practicing my destructive life-style again. I was so suicidal from the depression, the eating disorder and alcoholism that I decided I would ask to be admitted to the hospital again. I knew I was in a life or death situation.
During this time, God was really working in my life. Even though I had continued to live in sin and disobedience, He did not abandon me. It is amazing to think that He loves us that much. A few days before I was admitted, the Holy Spirit impressed on me that I needed to let Jesus be Lord of my life as well as Savior. He wanted me to get off the throne so He could rule my life. For the first time in my life I felt an overwhelming peace come over me. I knew everything would be alright because God was finally in control of my life.
After three months in hospital I was released. I joined a Baptist church, was discipled by the pastor’s wife, joined a Bible study and was baptized as a public profession that I was going to follow Jesus.
I no longer drank alcohol and rarely practiced my eating disorder, but at times I struggled not to binge. It was hard but God helped me through it. Another thing that still gave me a hard time was the depression. I had times when I was deeply depressed and I did not know why.
I had been sober over three years when I read an article on child molestation in which I recognized characteristics of myself. After reading that article I could no longer pretend that there wasn’t at least the possibility that some abuse had happened to me when I was a little child. I always thought it was strange that I had so many emotional problems almost from my first memories.
I had said nothing to anyone about suspecting any abuse in my life. Six months after reading the article I was back at the hospital as an outpatient. One of my counselors kindly told me she wondered if there had been abuse in my early life.
My world came crashing down that night. I couldn’t sleep and stayed up most of the night writing down all the things that I had gone through in my life. I had never told anyone about them because I was so ashamed. The next day I read them to the counselor and asked, “Does this sound like someone who was abused?” With a gentle nod she confirmed that the things I shared with her were strong evidence that at some point I had been abused.
I wish I could say I know exactly what happened and when, but God has not chosen to reveal those details. For a few years I was angry and bitter that something had happened to me and then angry that I didn’t know exactly what had happened. I have since come to trust in God’s wisdom and gentle hand. He has been so faithful in revealing the truth about my life in a slow and gentle manner. He addressed the eating disorder, the alcoloholism, the depression and finally what was behind it all, the abuse.
If God chooses to reveal everything to me, that is fine, but I am also okay if He, in His wisdom, does not think that is best for me. He knows that I am a gentle, sensitive soul, so He knows what I can and cannot handle. I just praise Him for the peace that a personal relationship and walk with Jesus Christ has brought me.
The last ten years have not been easy, but God has been good and faithful. I have continued to grow spiritually. God has blessed me with great Bible-believing churches where I can learn His Word and fellowship with like-minded believers. Through these churches I have had opportunities to serve my Lord and His people.
God is at present opening up a door for me in Europe to help with a ministry that works with drug addicts and alcoholics. I was so excited when I learned about this ministry. I know a lot about alcoholism and addictions! God is enabling me to use my painful experiences to share His love with others, His mercy and the hope that comes only through a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.
I am reminded of what Joseph said to his brothers in Genesis 50:20: “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good....” There is an enemy who promotes evil and wants to destroy us. But God is good and although we do not understand the pain and suffering we go through, He redeems the evil done against us for His eternal purposes.
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