|
By Dana Jennings, USA
I did not learn to drink alcohol from my parents, but my painful childhood experiences surely contributed to this form of escapism. We were not a normal, happy family because of my father’s illness. He had bipolar syndrome which gave him extreme mood swings. Some days he was very angry and agitated, others days he was very depressed. When I was ten he had a nervous breakdown and left us. He was found later and went to a psychiatric hospital for treatment.
In my father’s absence, my mother worked outside the home and left us in the care of my grandfather. He began to sexually molest me. This abuse continued until I was a teenager. I protested to my grandfather, but I didn’t realize how bad his behavior was until he tried to molest a friend of mine who was at my house. When she protested to me, I realized that what he was doing was very wrong and that he shouldn’t be doing such a thing. I was 12 or 13 years of age when the molestation ended.
My family attended a church, but I was not a believer. However, I enjoyed the youth activities and went to as many events as possible. I was there for every activity and went to camp in the summer. The youth group was a haven for me.
When I was eighteen our church experienced divisions through strife. I was left with no church "family." I was devastated (undone) and felt I was cut off from my sustenance (the source of all that made my life worth living).
After graduating from high school, I began to work and attend college. My new friends went to clubs and drank so after a while, I began to go with them and drink. I married at age nineteen, but my new husband was emotionally and sexually abusive. I fled the marriage after less than a year.
I felt so ashamed for having a failed marriage, I wanted to get away from all my family and friends. I moved to another town and began college there. At the college, I met a young man who seemed sweet and kind. He asked me to marry him. I thought marriage would take away some of my shame, so I agreed. I finished college and had two sons, but our marriage was miserable. Because both of us were stubborn and sinful, we divorced after eight years.
Once again I moved to another town to start afresh. I was still thinking that I could find happiness in worldly things and worldly relationships. I was making enough money to support my two sons well. I was also able to hide the fact that I had been married and divorced twice. Most people thought that I had been divorced only once. I got sympathy from the people that I worked with, but I was still bitter toward my second husband and we fought over our sons.
I continued drinking because I did not like myself. I felt much better about myself when I had been drinking. In the course of my work, I met a man who was in his early thirties, but had never been married. He had a kind, steady personality. He told me that if we were to marry that we would never divorce. That was so wonderful for me to hear, so I trusted him and we married.
Soon after our marriage, I began to feel God calling me to Himself. I felt so sinful and shameful that I was very nervous when I attended a church service. I would go alone, sit in the very back and cry the whole time. Then, before anyone could speak to me, I would run for the door. My new husband was not a believer, but he did not mind if I went to church. Gradually I adjusted to being in a church service, so I began to bring my sons. I knew that I needed to change my way of living and stop drinking, but I was not strong enough yet. I had not yet accepted Jesus as my true Savior.
I worked as a manager of a well-known restaurant. I had a very good schedule at this restaurant. One night a week I had to stay until closing which was until midnight or after. Because I was the manager I had free food and free drink. We had sales representatives who would leave us gifts. Many times it was alcohol. One night they left champagne for us to taste because they wanted us to promote it. Champagne is very intoxicating to me, and that night I became very drunk.
The restaurant had a pier jutting out into the river because they rented a steamboat to do dinner tours. The other staff and I had been drinking and were on the pier just playing around. The kitchen manager accidently bumped me. I lost balance and fell in the river. In the water I cried to God to save me. I don’t know who pulled me out; I was so drunk. I was cold and physically in shock. I do remember starting to cry as I left. On the way home in the car as I was driving (I had sobered up quickly), I cried out to God. I said, “I can’t live like this anymore; I need YOU.” I felt the Lord answered me and gave me permission to change. I believe this is the time Jesus came into my heart and life. I found that the Lord is gracious, slow to anger and abounds in love. He was so good to me.
I was making more than half of our family’s income at that time and we had just bought a new little house, but I felt like the Lord was saying, “Quit this job. It will be all right; I will take care of you.”
I prayed much about the matter. I went in the next day and told the owner I was resigning. He was very angry with me, but I told him I just couldn’t do such work anymore and that I needed to be out of that environment. Now I had more time for all my sons. (The Lord had blessed me with three more lovely sons.) After a year, my husband also came to trust in Christ for his eternal salvation.
Slowly, I began to learn to trust the Lord. Even though I knew that Jesus had died on the cross for my sins, I could not believe that there was no condemnation on my past. I believed that God only tolerated (put up with) me. I worked very hard to be what I thought was a good Christian. I went around in a cycle of good works, failure, guilt and repentance. I was defeated and secretly angry that I could not be what I thought I should be.
I had deep hurts inside, so I built a wall around my heart. I would not let anyone get too close, neither my husband nor friends, for fear I would be rejected when they discovered how ugly I really was inside. It took another ten years for me to start to understand what was written in the book of Romans: “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death” (Rom. 8:1-2).
As I began to grasp this truth, the Holy Spirit was also showing me that I was loved by God. I prayed that Christ would help me break down the wall I had around my heart. He answered my prayer by telling me that I was not strong enough to break through, but He was. I began to let go of my anger and frustration and accept His love for me.
The Holy Spirit also began showing my husband and me that we were called to serve Him in full-time ministry. By now, my sons from my second marriage were starting college. We moved to another state and began a training course for families. We will be serving overseas with a group that works with people whose lives are broken through substance abuse. How amazing is God that He would want to use me, after all my broken past, to bring hope and salvation to other broken people.
God is answering my prayers for my family members. My father passed away two years ago with Alzheimers. In the last seven years of his life, we lived right next door to my parents. The five years before he was actually diagnosed with Alzheimers were very good years. My mother is 76 years old and seems to be doing well. We have grown closer in the past eight years than we ever were. My brother has been struggling in life and in his marriage, but we continue to pray for him.
A verse of Scripture that I cherish is found in Deuteronomy 33:12: “Let the beloved of the Lord rest secure in Him, for He shields him all day long, and the one the Lord loves rests between His shoulders.” Christ saves us, frees us and keeps us by His omnipotent power. Praise His gracious Name!
Top of page >
|
